Know Yourself by Joan J. Bell

I pray to know myself.

To know if I am truly as capable as I want to be

without all the pageantry of heaven's grace

my scars are a funeral procession

of burning questions and grief materialized

lined up and down my arms like soldiers in formation.

My eyes are open third story windows

staring out at the asphalt ocean below

trapped in limbo 

our voices ring clear into the night;

They are the songs we use to sing ourselves to sleep

rocking back and forth like ships without light

Lost en route to discovering who we are

I fight for the privilege just to be alive

as the seas scream my name.

I ask the earth how it began

and it tells me that every beginning is born of pain

that the birth of every star wreaks havoc on space

I hear

my mother screaming in agony 

as I arrive

If I had any idea what I was getting myself into

I wonder if I still would have come 

or if I would have curled up in some far off place

Heartbeat a drum,

my tongue a trigger for every kind of ache

without a cure.

I whisper into the ear of the universe 

"Look at me!

I am here!"

still, I hear nothing

but the sound of the world spinning on its axis

on its spine

straight backed heart entwined with the sun

turning its face to her warmth.

This is my heart:

It trembles on my sleeve 

shivering from the chill air outside the cage of my chest

because the only thing the bars I call ribs ever did was trap the hurt inside

let it hide until it swelled into a crescendo

A wave that washed over me 

the pressure unceasing

Until my very blood was stripped from my bones

and I had nothing left to atone for.

I pray to know myself

to understand who I am,

to face my shame and exorcise it from my body

Like a priest expels a demon

I will expel this suffering

if it takes every ounce of strength I have left,

I will rise, tuck my heart back in my chest

and carry on.